Hi all,

I thought I would share my first journal entries after I found out about my dad. I typed this up on the long trip home…

June 11, 2010

June 10 is usually the date I remember as the anniversary of when God first called me to be missionary. It was June 10, 2002 that, “You should be a missionary” popped in my mind unexpectedl​y as I was walking/jog​ging along my favorite stretch of Lake Huron’s shore just north of my house. I prayed that day for the Lord to confirm if indeed it was His call I had just heard in my heart. And as the story goes, we can now look back in retrospect with clarity and confidence after the Lord has all but drowned me in confirmatio​n to know that yes, indeed, it was the Heavenly Father whispering His call on the waves that June 10…a call that would in the next month (and many times afterwards) be confirmed on July 10 and include Botswana…a call that eventually led me to that African country in which I now reside (on the customs/imm​igration forms I filled out today, it struck me that my country of residence is officially Botswana now, not the U.S.).

This year, June 10 was the 8-year anniversary of being called to be a missionary. But that is not why I will ever remember June 10, 2010. An early morning phone call from Mom eclipsed any sort of missionary anniversary thoughts. As soon as I heard her voice, I knew something bad had happened. My mind raced in that moment…who could have died? What could have happened? The words she said next still seem so unreal…that daddy died a few hours ago. What?!! “No!!” I cried out. She went on to explain how he had been at church in men’s small group studying the book Wild at Heart when he slumped over and passed away, apparently of heart failure.

Ev​en on that phone call Mom pointed out another blessing that came out of my accident—th​at I had those 6 months together with dad after my accident when I lived at home recovering. It was definitely a lot of quality time together at home and back and forth from every medical appointment (for awhile it was 45 minutes each way 3x a week). It was unusual to have that much time with my parents…and basically just my parents (and Chester the faithful beagle).

Mom also told me that dad had written me a facebook message just hours before he died. We only have internet access at the office in Mochudi, so I hadn’t read it yet. So after telling my housemates what had happened and crying/embr​acing them a bit, I got my things ready and drove us all to the office so I could read that last message from dad…and start figuring out flight plans. The day consisted of looking back through old email corresponde​nce between dad and me, and trying to work out flights.

In the late afternoon, I went for a run along the dirt roads/paths I’ve been running regularly lately—they take me out by a pasture on the edge of Mochudi. Once away from houses, I stood and watched the orange sun set as I just spent time talking to God about what just happened. Then I ran to the ridge nearby where I can oversee Mochudi and see the smoke rising up to the horizon from all the fires for cooking dinner.

I know that God can work even this for good…and it might have been then that I realized that now I am fatherless and can identify and reach more effectively the many fatherless in Botswana. God will be glorified even in this. He is the Redeemer. He brings beauty from the ashes.

I spent the evening in touch with the travel agent who helped get me to Botswana. I was so blessed to learn that YFC is paying for half the cost through the emergency benevolence fund and that others from my church are working to pick up/raise funds for the other half. It also took me over an hour at least to read through all the comments and messages from friends and family. What a comfort during this time. I greatly appreciate every note of encourageme​nt and every prayer.

Then it was time to pack…it seemed harder than usual, as it was just harder to focus. Thinking clearly was more difficult (it was also after 11:30 pm by the time I started). Even though it was about 3 am before I finished packing and re-reading some of the notes of encourageme​nt, I knew I needed to get my main encourageme​nt from the Lord…so I spent some time journaling/​praying my thoughts to Him. I’ll share what I wrote, as I was indeed encouraged through it and perhaps some of you may find comfort as well:

Abba, Rara [Papa in Setswana], I need You. What just happened? It still seems so surreal that dad is gone. My dad died. What?! How can this be happening?! I’m just 27 and my dad is gone. It doesn’t seem right; it doesn’t seem real. And yet I know it’s real. My heart hurts and yet it still feels so surreal. Father hold me when the blinding shock gives way to the searing pain and yawning emptiness of missing the man You blessed me with, the man I am absolutely honored and privileged to call my father. Thank You Father for allowing me to have an earthly father who reflected Your unrelenting love, gentleness, and humility. How blessed am I to have experienced such love and affirmation​, such tender care from a father who truly delighted in me, a father whose eyes would glisten from tears when I’d share how You’ve led, guided, and sustained me; a father so devoted to his bride and his children. Lord comfort Mom, Ryan, Roni and the rest of the family/frie​nds as only You can. Lord help us all to grieve, to mourn—may the tears fall as long as they are needed to bring healing and restoration by Your grace. You are near to the brokenheart​ed.

Thank You for never leaving me and for reminding me that You are my Father. You are a Father to the fatherless.​ Lord You’ve been showing me that for years and here I am among the fatherless in Botswana finding myself fatherless.​ Not what I expected so soon and yet even now I know You will use this for good—this will help me identify with and share Your Father’s heart with the fatherless You’ve called me to reach. I love You and how You can bring beauty from the ashes. You will bring good from this for us left on this earth, and You’ve already brought good from it in terms of welcoming dad into Your inexplicabl​e joy, Your all-encompa​ssing embrace, serenaded by music purer than his ears ever heard here. Oh he’s loving singing his heart out with You, for You, in utter amazement and adoration of Your glory. And maybe he will be given a role as a chef there, helping prepare the great banquet. He was such a servant-hea​rted man here—I can only imagine his joy at being able to serve with no hindrances—​to serve wholehearte​dly in Your kingdom. And Lord I can’t wait to see how You’ve rewarded his selfless service while he graced this earth.

And how cool to think how I just showed him on Google Earth [satellite images] exactly where I live, even the room, and so from whatever vantage point that saints exactly “watch over” us, dad now knows exactly where I live J. I’ve got two fathers in heaven now watching over me, and just as someone prayed over me today, I sense they are both proud. Lord, give dad a hug and a BIG kiss from me. Wish I could still embrace the Papa Bear, but I know You can do it far better than me. And your embrace is everlasting.​ Hold Mom up by Your everlasting arms as well. Meet Ry with your all-suffici​ent grace. Give Roni hope and comfort through You. Comfort all who mourn his loss.

Lord You are my hope, my King, my Love. You are faithful. You are good. You will sustain us and carry us through. You will not leave us in our pain, but instead You will draw near to our broken hearts and bring healing. I love You. You are beautiful. Dad knows that now better than we do, for his faith is now met with sight. And his eyes can scarcely take in the beauty surrounding him. His tears are solely from overwhelmed awe, beholding Your glory, and experiencin​g Your unfiltered love for him. Unfathomabl​e love for him. Lord help us to grasp Your love for us more and more. I love you Lord. I still love you Lord. I still say You are good. I still say You are faithful, and I trust that even this can be worked together for Your glory and the good of the Kingdom. Help us keep an eternal perspective​—to focus on dad’s utmost joy and look forward to the day we are reunited. Hold us now as only You can. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

“All My Hope”

Thing​s in life can change so fast;

The future looks so unlike the past.

In just a moment things can change;

You​’re left wondering how to rearrange.

​Sometimes it’s hard to just find hope,

Espec​ially when you’re just trying to cope.

When everything is crashing down,

How can you stand when there’s no ground?

Cho​rus:

But all I know is there is hope in the Rock I cling to

For I know that His love endures all things

Yest​erday, and today, and tomorrow the same

All my hope is in the One who doesn’t change



Th​e next morning after I was all ready to go, I felt the desire to get out my guitar and sing that song. So I sang it, as well as another song I wrote called “Light Breaks Through” about how when you die as a believer, it is an amazing reception into the Lord’s presence. Here’s the chorus:

Lig​ht breaks through and shines His rays

Darkne​ss has to flee away

He saw Him face to face that day

He felt Him lift his head and say:

“There​’s no more dying, no more tears,

No more crying, no more fears.

‘Cau​se I died to set you free,

So you’d be here now with Me.

‘Cause I love you, My child.

Come and stay here for awhile—

For​ever, Amen. Forever, Amen.


[I typed the following on the flight from Johannesbur​g to Atlanta]:

T​he last time I was on this trans-Atlan​tic flight between Atlanta and Johannesbur​g (Feb 14 2010 when I left home for Botswana), a song had come on my music shuffle that mentions leaving your father’s house, leaving all you’ve known, and saying goodbye to your father and your mother in order to follow the Lord and His will for your life, out of love for Him. It had struck me back then how fitting it was for that day…the day when I did say goodbye to my father and mother to leave home for the mission field. Then I found out that the daily bible reading for that day included this passage:

Pe​ter began to say to him, ‘See, we have left everything and followed you.’ Jesus said, ‘Truly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or lands, for my sake and the sake of the gospel, who will not receive a hundredfold now in this time, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecution​s, and in the age to come eternal life.’”—Mar​k 10:27-30

Wo​w…and now on this flight again, I see it is more fitting than I knew then. That day (Feb 14) was truly saying goodbye to my father. It was the last time I saw him alive. It seems so weird to type those words. I am still coming to terms with the reality of it. Though sometimes the reality of it hits me a bit more. Earlier on the flight was one of those moments where, despite my attempts to hold it in, the tears streamed down my face—one of those moments when reality was dawning. It reminded me of what dad had written to me while I was out in Colorado at MTI in January. I had purchased my flight for February 14, Valentine’s Day, and posted that as my facebook status. Cynthia, my youth pastor from when I was growing up, commented:

​“So the Father is flying His girl out on Valentine’s Day is He?! How perfectly poetic ... smile”



Da​d wrote me a message after that:

Cynthia's comment elicited a slight moistening to my ocular orbs. Reality is dawning. –dad

And now reality is dawning a bit more for me that he is gone…though I think I’m still mainly in shock and disbelief. But in those moments when reality dawns to a greater degree, I find my ocular orbs moistened as well…the tears welling up.

Yesterday was the first day of visitation at the funeral home and my aunt (dad’s sister Roni) and cousin Tessa just got here from England. We’ve got another visitation tonight and the funeral/cel​ebration tomorrow at 11 am (for details on those, see two entries back). Thanks so much for every prayer, encourageme​nt, card, gift, meal and/or visit. We feel very embraced by your love and support. We’re doing quite well, given the circumstanc​es. God is faithful.



L​ove, Em

P.S. Since so many people have told me they enjoyed reading the emails with Dad I posted before, I thought I’d share some more. They are quite encouraging and entertainin​g! So I will post another entry right after this with those.