Hi there,
So it’s been an interesting journey since I last wrote…but I think overall, it has strengthened my faith and determination. I’ll share all this to testify to God’s faithfulness and to perhaps encourage you, as I’ve been encouraged. The same week that I found out about the death of Ken, my dad’s best friend in England, my car wouldn’t start, I got a nasty cold, and a whole load of my laundry was stolen from the clothesline in our yard while I was at ministry (but while other housemates were home)! With all that on top of the backdrop of Dad’s death, it was a bit overwhelming all at once!
The day my clothes were stolen and it was certain that my car battery was dead, I had to buy food to cook the evening meal for everyone. Normally, I would hop in my car, but since it was dead, I walked. As I walked into town, the emotion of everything kind of hit me and I had to fight back tears. I was looking toward the hills in town and started singing this song based on Psalm 121 that I haven’t heard in years—“I lift my eyes up, up to the mountains, where does my help come from? My help comes from You, Maker of heaven, Creator of the earth. Oh how I need You Lord, You are my only prayer, You’re my only hope…”
As I stood in the check-out line in the supermarket, my thoughts went back to everything that was going wrong and I was on the verge of tears. At that moment, I saw a little boy walk by me whose shirt read, “Don’t Quit” and the perfect timing of that just seemed like a little encouragement from God. Minutes later in the other supermarket, again I was on the verge of tears…and then what came to mind was “Indomitable spirit” and how God has really been encouraging me with that perhaps to prepare me for these current trials.
I’ll give a quick recap and share how it has come up here in Botswana too—Just after Dad’s funeral, my aunt read something and the word “indomitable” jumped out at me. I wasn’t totally sure of its meaning, but she confirmed my thought that it means unable to be beaten down or conquered even when lots of bad things come against you. The dictionary puts it, “Incapable of being overcome, subdued, or vanquished; unconquerable.”
I wrote to a friend: “We are indomitable through Christ! No matter what trials, suffering, temptations, evil darts of the enemy...deaths to loved ones, car accidents, health problems, etc...if we are in Christ, even those things cannot defeat us. And if we do die, as Dad did, we go to be with God FOREVER.” A week later as I was sitting in the airport, I happened to look up and read the shirt of a woman walking by—in all caps, it read: INDOMITABLE SPIRIT.
Then the night I arrived back in Botswana a week later, a friend leant me a book about David Livingstone, the famous missionary who pioneered the work in Botswana. I happened to read where it mentioned that after some fellow missionary workers died, and later his beloved wife, he kept going—“His indomitable spirit rose...Livingstone remained steadfast, immovable and resolved to continue his work for the Lord.” In 1873, he wrote, “Nothing earthly will make me give up my work in despair. I encourage myself in the Lord my God, and go forward.”
So back in the grocery store in Mochudi last week, on the verge of tears when one thing after another had been going wrong, I remembered the indomitable spirit. I didn’t feel so indomitable or “more than a conqueror” (Romans 8:37) right then…I felt weak and like I was losing… and when I got home, I did have a good cry. Actually it was one of the most “down” times I’ve felt in my life where I just kept crying (not normal for me, but probably needed as part of the grief process). I was wondering what was going on with one difficult thing after another…and I hate to say it, but I was even wondering how it fits that God is my protector when all this was happening. Why wasn’t He defending me or preventing this?
In the midst of my tears, I realized that one of my housemates had left a chocolate bar with a note of encouragement for me on my desk. Then right around then, through my tears, I heard the song playing on the living room stereo, “Fix You” by Coldplay. I had just shown a video clip with that song as the soundtrack at the YFC Coffee Bar outreach a few days earlier of the 400m race at the 1992 Olympics when Derek Redmond’s hamstring tore 250 m into the race, and yet he was determined to finish, hobbling painfully along the track. Then out of the crowd, a large man pushed his way onto the track and came to Derek’s side to help him finish. This man was his father. Derek was crying and leaning on his father as they finished the race together.
The analogy there is to the heavenly Father who helps us finish the race that is set before us when we are hurting or feel too weak to do it on our own. So when I heard “Fix You” in that moment, I pictured that Olympic race and the father coming to help (like the heavenly Father coming to help me run my race). I fell to my knees in just weak dependence on my strong Father, crying tears overwhelmed by everything but also overwhelmed by His loving care. I need you; I can’t run this race without you…thank you for helping me when I am weak. You can watch the video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yz05WW8abX0
A bit later, I realized that “indomitable” doesn’t mean that things are not coming against you, but that they can’t affect your spirit or stop you from doing what the Lord has called you to do. It’s an indomitable SPIRIT through Christ. John 16:33 came to mind—“In this world, you will have trials and tribulations, but take heart, for I have overcome the world.” The spirit of the One who overcame is in me to overcome trials today. I remembered one of the things Dad had said to me shortly before I left home, “God will never give you more than you can handle.” I didn’t think of it then, but now I am reminded of this quote I heard the week before I left for Botswana back in February:
"The same everlasting Father who cares for you today, will take care of you tomorrow, and every day. Either He will shield you from suffering, or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace then, and put aside all anxious thought and imaginations." - Francis de Sales
Now in retrospect, I can see that the Enemy was using this time to try to discourage me and get me to question God’s faithfulness and goodness, and whether God was for me or against me in all this. As I was preparing dinner, I just felt like the Lord whispered to my heart, “Em, I’m on your side,” and I replied “I know” as the tears welled up again…Tears for entertaining doubts for even a sliver of time that He wasn’t being faithful by allowing all this to happen…and tears from being assured yet again of His faithfulness and goodness. That night I also listened to a song I just put on my computer in the States but forgot how it went…some of the lyrics were these:
“Though weeping endures for the night, Your joy comes in the morning. Though sorrow may last for a time, Your joy comes in the morning. Faithful, You’re always faithful. True, You’re always true. You’ll never leave me. You’re always with me. You’re good; you’re good.”
Then I happened to read this excerpt from Come Away My Beloved, by Frances J Roberts, which fit perfectly:
You need have no fear. You need not fear the fickleness of providence—for behind whatever looks to you like utter chaos, I have a plan working for your good. You need never fear whether I will be faithful to you, for it I have never failed anyone else, why would I fail you? You have an innumerable company of spectators cheering you from the ramparts of heaven, reminding you of what I did for them, and encouraging you that the struggle is not interminable; surprisingly soon it shall end in victory for you also—if you endure faithfully.
Miracles burst forth out of the moist, cold soil of human tragedy. Moist with tears and cold with hopelessness.
The part about utter chaos reminded me of a poem I wrote in 2003 about how God can bring order out of the chaos:
If the sorrow of suffering and death stings oh so hard yet I embrace the One who conquered it, would I still despair?
If all goes to chaos and yet my Love brought life and order out of such, can I not trust that He can do it again?
That night what came to mind is that I should look up what I wrote in my journal on October 24, and I found this prayer from 10/24/08, when I first re-visited Mission Training International after the accident, which was perfect in its sentiments for my current situation!:
Father,
Oh, Lord, thank you so much for allowing me to come back here. Father, so much has happened since I last typed a prayer to you here. So much. And yet you have not changed. You are still worthy of my love, my all. You are still good. You are still faithful. What has happened in between these prayers has not lessened your love one degree; it has not made your goodness decline. No, you are always good. You are trustworthy. You are the same loving, merciful God who tenderly holds each of your children close to your heart. I don’t know how it all works…still…but I know that you are good. You never leave us. You never forsake us. You are faithful.
I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death, and what did I find? My Shepherd right there with me, holding me. Lord, you never let go. How can I not praise you? I love you. You are beautiful. Words fail me. I just love you. Lord, thank you for never leaving me and never leaving Jess, Karin, and Isaac, or Scott & Andrea either. The King of Love my Shepherd is, whose goodness faileth never; I nothing lack if Thou art mine, and I art Thine forever.
By the end of day that my clothes were stolen, I was greatly encouraged by the God who is with me and for me. I wrote this prayer, more like a triumphant declaration, that night:
You are King. You are Lord. You are my Father. You are for me, not against me. “And if our God is for us, than who could ever stop us? And if our God is with us, that what can stand against? Our God is greater; Our God is stronger, God you are higher than any other…”
You are faithful. You are good. You are greater than the one who is in this world. You are mighty in power. You are glorious. You are loving. You are perfect. You are in control. You are sovereign. You are my Defender. You are victorious. You are indomitable. You have given me an indomitable spirit…because the One who rose from the dead lives in me—the same spirit that rose Jesus Christ from the grave dwells inside me. Indomitable spirit. Yes bad stuff happens in this world—“You will have trials and tribulations, but take heart, for I have overcome the world.” You will renew my strength. You will restore me. You will make me rise above like a soaring eagle. You will make me rise from the ashes. You will work all things together for good. You will be glorified, even in these trials. You will bring beauty from the ashes. Your grace is sufficient. You are enough. You are the God of all comfort. You will never leave me nor forsake me. You will never fail me. You will never forget about me. You will never lose. It may appear sometimes that Satan and darkness have the upper hand, but into the darkness You shine and ultimately You reign victorious and will put all things in subjection under Your feet…Death will be defeated, swallowed up in victory. Satan will be cast down forever. You will make all things right. You will bring perfect justice. You will show Yourself victorious over all—higher and more worthy than any other. None can compare. Conquering Lion with the gentle meekness of the slain Lamb. Lion & the Lamb. Alpha & Omega. Infinite yet intimate. Powerful yet personal. Majestic yet meek. Consuming Fire with consuming Love. Holier than all yet humble servant of all. Strong yet sensitive. Beautiful beyond compare yet broken beyond recognition. Mighty Warrior & my Saviour. My Lord & my God. My Beloved. Furious with injustice, and fighting my Enemy; Furiously jealous for my heart, and fighting all contenders. Relentless in righteousness & relentless in tenderness.
Constant.
My Rock.
My Firm Foundation.
My Hope.
My Redeemer.
Forever.
Amen.
Tonight I echo the words of David Livingstone:
“Nothing earthly will make me give up my work in despair. I encourage myself in the Lord my God, and go forward...”
And the next day I did go forward by His grace…I knew that I had been planning to try the next day to secure the ability to lead an Abstinence Club at the Senior Secondary School here in Mochudi to help in the fight against AIDS and encourage teens toward Christ. Perhaps the enemy thought he could use all these trials to discourage me enough to distract me from that and other ministry here. But no—through connections I’ve made recently to meet the “right” people in the guidance/counseling department (including one who has a Masters degree in HIV/AIDS management and really wants to help), I was able to secure the go-ahead from the school to start a club there next term (after August vacation)! Apparently, YFC has never had a club there, so this was a great encouragement to all the staff! Our God is greater!
That night, I heard this in a teaching: “Every time before the Israelites would go to battle, the priests would stand up and say to the people: ‘Do not fear, do not waver—God your God, fights with you against your enemies.’ God never fights you…I don’t know what’s going on in your life right now, but God never fights you.”
I realized how much God has been helping ease the severity of it all – with both Dad and Ken, we knew they were strong in faith and even thinking eternal thoughts before their deaths. The stolen laundry could have been much worse…true I lost my favorite pair of pants and shorts, but overall, I lost mainly easily replaceable things (towel, white long-sleeved undershirts that I bought here, etc but none of my sweatshirts & only 2 T-shirts). And interestingly, I lost my warm socks that were needed in this Botswana winter, but I still had the wool socks a friend had just given me to bring back from the States. I also lost lots of undergarments (meaning someone, somewhere has my underwear…that is awkward, haha), but again, I had just brought new ones from the States.
And when my car battery died, I was in the capital in a packed parking lot, but right next to my car was a man just sitting in his truck. He had jumper cables, but unfortunately they wouldn’t reach between our batteries. He needed to park in front of my car, but those parking spots were taken (and who knows how long before those shoppers would return to their cars?!). But this man said he would wait with us. Then within 30 seconds, the people returned to the car directly in front of mine and drove away! So the man drove his truck around into that spot and jumped my battery so I could get home safely! Then one of the Canadian short-term volunteers anonymously paid for my new car battery!
The next day, when I was praying about what to share during the YFC staff prayer meeting devotional, Psalm 118 came to my mind. I looked it up to read:
“Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; His love endures forever…The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me? The Lord is on my side as my helper; I shall look in triumph on my enemies.” (vv1, 6-7)
I have much more encouraging things to share about how God has been working here that week and since, but this has been long enough!
Love-in-Christ,
Em
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