It’s been a long time since I’ve written! I have great ministry and life stories to share, but this post I just want to pause and reflect a bit. This entry will be long, but I think you will find it worth the read...especially if you've followed the story since my accident...since I will share more meaningful stories/things related to that. Feel free to take breaks, but I figured I'd keep it all in one post instead of breaking it up myself.
February has become a month of memories—being that the 4-year anniversary of my accident in Colorado was February 3; I left home for Botswana (and said goodbye to my dad this side of heaven) on February 14; and my dad’s birthday is February 23. I’ve been meaning to share some more meaningful things related both to the accident and my dad, so I think I’ll do that now and then share about the awesome things happening here in Botswana in later posts.
When I was home in Michigan in October, I came across these notes that my dad had written in a journal when he was at my bedside in the hospital a few days after the accident, apparently to post online though he never did. For those who aren’t familiar with the accident story, it’s a good re-cap:
Emily planned on being in Colorado to complete her preparations to go to Botswana. She attended Mission Training International which has programs especially designed for people going to and coming back from the mission field. The school is situated south of Denver. It is an area of AWESOME natural beauty.
On Saturday February 2nd she and a classmate attempted to climb Pikes Peak. When she called her “concerned” parents after returning to the campus she was elated that although they hadn’t reached the top, it had been a truly wonderful experience.
On Sunday she was riding to church with five other MTI students when the minivan they were riding in was sideswiped, pushed off the expressway, and rolled several times before coming to rest. Passersby and Off-duty EMT were quickly on the scene to help. Two students were killed and a young child was fatally injured and air-lifted to a special hospital. The child’s mother and father were injured, and Em was rushed to the Littleton Adventist Hospital where she underwent surgery to repair a fractured vertebra in her neck. Family was notified just as the Superbowl started and a network of prayer and support erupted.
Hugh flew out on Monday afternoon and has been at her bedside in the Critical Care Unit. The medical attention she is getting is professional, loving and superlative. The support Hugh has received from Youth for Christ and the MTI school is truly humbling. The Family of God is immense.
Thank you Thank you Thank you
Since I arrived here in Denver on Monday evening I have been overwhelmed by the love and caring of God’s people who have surrounded Em and me, both physically and spiritually. I know that there are prayers bombarding heaven on her behalf because we are seeing amazings works coming down on her.
Angels surrounded her and still do—It is truly AWESOME to watch her push through…I have seen her progress to the point of walking from chair to bed; from laying perfectly still through wiggling to deliberate actions. It will be a slow process, but the journey has started…
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Indeed, it’s been a journey. On that trip back to the States, I realized the only thing that has been in, and survived both rollover accidents (the one in Colorado in 2008 and the one in Botswana last July) is my bible (and me). Interesting…It reminds me of what really matters…our faith in God.
After hiking Mt. Herman in Colorado in late September, I spent some time journaling, reflecting, and praying near the stone memorial built up at Mission Training International (MTI) for Jessica, Karin, and Isaac who didn’t survive the accident. I never did share some of the things God taught me/spoke to me on that Colorado trip, so I felt like I would do that now. I sometimes feel a bit weird sharing a prayer on the internet, but I feel it best captures how I felt and what God was teaching me:
**Prayer in journal by MTI memorial:
Father, as I sit here in this sanctuary, I’m reminded of what really matters. When reminded of life & death, I know that life is to know You. If I know You, no matter what happens it will be ok in the end. You are in control, and You are good. Your grace is sufficient. Your love in unchanging. Your hope is everlasting. Your kingdom is eternal. Your power is stronger than the mountains—it moves the mountains. You are the great I AM, the Creator of all of this. The creation testifies to Your beauty and majesty. You are sovereign, and You will work all things together for good & for Your glory. You are the Redeemer, bringing beauty from the ashes. Father You are so faithful. How blessed am I to feel Your hand upon this life? Your healing hand, Your redemptive hand, Your hand of guidance & protection, Your hand of love. Love. You love me. I remember those early days after the accident how You made Your love & presence so tangible. I knew it was ok because You were near and You love me. I was metaphorically stripped to nakedness—just me. I was “useless,” unable to do anything but rest & recover. I had questions, but I was certain of Your love & goodness in the midst of it all. It was a beautifully simple time of just knowing Your nearness & Your love…that just “me” was ok. I didn’t have to strive or perform to earn Your love & presence. I didn’t have to work to gain worth & value. You already loved me. You already gave me worth—and nothing I could do would change that; nothing I couldn’t do would change that. I sit here recalling that time with fondness, almost envy—just such a simple, yet beautiful time where I just felt so loved, so cared for, so certain of Your love & approval, even when all striving had ceased—all work for You halted.
And here I sit, realizing You desire me to experience that same certainty of being loved, being cared for, being ok and affirmed by Your unchanging, unfailing love even now when I can be “useful” for Your kingdom. If I lose sight of this simple truth—that You love me in my “naked useless state,” the core of who I am apart from any efforts or work or ministry—if I lose sight of that, my efforts, work, & ministry will unknowingly become a striving for worth, for affirmation (from You & from people), for fulfillment and feeling “ok,” for “success.” My feelings of success and fulfillment then become enmeshed and dependent upon ministry success. Yes we want the ministry to flourish and “succeed,” but the message You have been speaking so much lately is that the results are Your responsibility, not mine. The success is Your arena, not mine. I just need to be responsive and faithful to Your lead and leave the results up to You.
Sitting here again realizing that I survived, but Jess, Karin, and Isaac did not affirms my resolve to use my life fully for You & Your kingdom…and so I know You have kept me alive for Your purposes, and therefore I want to fulfill every facet of the calling You have on my life. But what I’m realizing afresh is that I cannot fulfill those purposes in my own strength—“The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me” (Psalm 138:8). I cannot, but Christ-in-me can. And this remembrance of that “naked simplicity” when I was “useless” now speaks to me—that no matter the outward usefulness or “success” in ministry, or lack thereof, it does not change the true meaning of life—to know You & be loved by You; to love You in return. If my ministry is flourishing & successful or if it is discouraging & seemingly failing, You still call me a success. You still love me. You care for me as much now as You did when You nursed me back to health. You have given me unalterable worth in Christ. Yes it is good to work with all my heart, but I do it from the deep understanding that the burden is lifted from the results needing to influence my sense of worth, success, or value. If I appear a failure but I am following Your lead, then let the world or other Christians call me a failure; I will cling to the truth that I am a success in You, and I will trust that You are in control and will work it all out in Your timing. Looking at this memorial, I am reminded of how in the face of this tragedy, You have worked, and You continue to work, to bring beauty from the ashes, triumph out of tragedy. Even now You are still teaching me through that “broken road” we travelled.
So I will rise, out of these ashes rise. I will go forth to be Your instrument in Your hand, allowing you to guide & lead me and working with all the energy that You provide which works so powerfully in me. Furious rest—working hard, but not striving in my own strength; no, working hard as You lead, dependent on Your strength and resting in You, trusting in Your power & strength, relying on Your sufficient grace, leaning on my Beloved knowing the results are in Your hands. Resting in the understanding of Your love & affirmation over me, resting in Your unfailing love…knowing that I am ok…a success in Your eyes through Christ, regardless of the external ministry “success.” You are the Great I AM—I am not. But Christ is in me, and I trust that You can do in and through me what I could never do on my own. Wow, I just bought this song today, and the second part fits perfectly (and I didn’t understand it earlier):
I will rise, out of these ashes rise. ‘Cause He who is in me is greater than I will ever be, and I will rise. –“Rise” by Shawn McDonald
[This song came on the radio right after passing the accident site last night…the first time I’d ever heard it. The song playing as I passed the accident site was “Walk by Faith”—“I will walk by faith, even when I cannot see because this broken road prepares Your will for me.” Then “Rise” came on… “I will rise, out of these ashes rise. From the trouble I’ve found and this rubble on the ground, I will rise…”]
Father You are beautiful. You are my King. You are in control. You are all-powerful. You have everything under control. I trust that You will guide & lead me in Your timing and give all I need to fulfill the purposes for which I am still alive on earth. I trust that You will work through me to fulfill all the purposes. You will do it. It’s gonna be God—it’s gonna be good. I love You.
Later that same day, I found this when looking at old sent facebook messages for first time. It was something I wrote in the hospital to a friend (I hope you can understand it…I couldn’t see well and was typing one-handed):
Feb 12 2008— thanks for your prayerers and love, i;ll have to kkep it shortcuz i only can use 1 hand to type,. and i can't see wiyhout my glasses...the're in the rubble somewhere or on a colorado median. this has been the hardest thinh ever but i am so blessed that i'm alive at all and i thnj tmorrow they are transferring me to rehab! Giod is so faithful...i'll just have a song lyric or verse pop in my head that reaally encurages me (eg your grace is sufficient for me). do you knoe the song Beccause He lives? that popped ino my head today and made me cry,,,,beause he lives, i can face tomorrow...i don't understand it all, but i know He is good…love,em
The fact that I said “Rubble” reminded me of the song “Rise” that I’d journaled about earlier that day and first heard the night before just after passing the accident site: “I will rise, out of these ashes rise…from this trouble I’ve found, from this rubble on the ground, I will rise.”
The next day, Sunday September 25, the family that I was staying with, the George family who were on the scene of our accident praying for us, were enjoying their daughter’s championship soccer tournament so they were unable to make it to church that morning (her team won the championship by the way!!). So I pondered where I should go to church. Then I remembered that a pastor from a local Anglican church had visited me in the hospital and invited my parents to church that first Sunday after the accident. The following Sunday I attended the service with them and my brother just before we headed to the airport. The church had kindly invited me to the front in my stunning titanium halo to pray for me. So I decided to revisit that church, Resurrection Anglican.
No one recognized me without my halo so I just sat down and enjoyed the service. During a part of the service where you greet the people around you, someone asked if it was my first time at the church. “Well…no…do you remember 3.5 years ago, a young woman with a titanium halo on her head who was invited to the front for prayer?” Their eyes portrayed their recollection. They were amazed that it was me. After hearing a brief description of how I’m doing now, they went right up to the preacher and asked if I could be invited forward to share. So I was called up front to testify to them of the Lord’s hand in my life. Something about the fact that the last time they saw me I was in such rough shape, wearing a halo brace, made me have to fight back tears as I shared that I never needed the second neck surgery and I’ve been a missionary in Botswana for almost two years…able not only to walk, but to run and hike mountains. People in the congregation remembered me and were also tearing up. As I stood up front, some of the leaders gathered around and prayed for me again. What a blessed visit.
The pastor who had visited me in the hospital was actually out-of-town, but God used the visiting African preacher to bless me richly as well. His name is Fr. Edward and during his sermon, he happened to mention that he was ordained as a minister in the 70s on July 10!!! (July 10 is the day God confirmed His call to missions in Botswana in my life and it has come up numerous times to confirm that call). Here are some notes I took on his sermon, which echoed my prayer from the day before:
You and I were made to thrive on God…To pursue Him as our greatest desire. This is the point of life—to pursue God. We should desire God above all, not our idea of a better life, our goals of what we think will make us fulfilled and happy—blessings and possessions. God grants or withholds blessings according to a plan we don’t understand. It’s not a formula that if we live right, we will get blessings and a good life. The old way=If we follow God, He will bless us with a good life and what we want. The new way=Instead, live right and follow God to know God and enjoy God. That takes the pressure off! It doesn’t mean we rule out hard work, but the pressure is off.
Seek God and enjoy Him. Spend time with Him. If you are pursuing your goal and bringing God on board, it is getting things backward—so busy and worn out, with less time to pray and spend time with God, in Bible. The Christian is not a success in anything on planet earth. The Christian life is success in knowing God, loving Him.
Get the pressure off yourself—go to your knees and seek Him.
God is saying, “ Love Me, not that thing you are longing for.” Whether you get what you are longing for or not, it does not matter if you are pursuing God first and loving Him. Revel in Him. Think about Him often. Spend time in His presence.
What are you pursuing to near madness? What do you think will give you the “good life” once you’ve achieved it? Your good life is pursuing a deep, loving relationship with Jesus. You don’t belong to this world. Don’t waste effort in trying to pursue what this world can offer you. Jesus is our great reward. May we pursue Him with every last drop of our blood.
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So it was such a confirmation of what God had taught me the day before at the MTI memorial, and like the movie I’d watched at the bible study the night before at the George’s! God had been teaching me not to pursue ministry “success” in Gaborone (where I am re-starting and heading up YFC) above pursuing Him and trusting Him with the results. And the sermon that confirmed that was given by a preacher from Africa who was ordained on July 10, no less!! (That message was also reiterated that night by the YFC International President in his opening talk, and throughout the General Assembly conference).
After the service, I met the visiting African pastor and he knows friends in Gaborone and has since contacted, encouraged, and prayed for me. Other people from the congregation thanked me for revisiting. One couple said, “You’ve encouraged us to see God still works!! You’ve blessed us so much in coming. Just seeing you now builds our faith. We hear about things like this but now we are actually seeing it in person.”
That reminds me that the chaplain from the hospital recently called me a “running work of God” and wrote an email in September to my mom (they are in touch because, since the accident, Mom crochets afghan blankets and ships them to the chaplain at the hospital to hand out to patients as a means of comforting them—another way God is bringing beauty from the ashes), in which he wrote:
“You should know that even just last week her case was discussed between staff members as an example of how miracles do descend upon us.”
And here in Botswana, I’ve been asked to share about God’s miraculous hand in my life. The YFC Kids Club is in the midst of a three-week series on miracles—last week discussing miracles in the Old Testament, this week teaching on miracles in the New Testament, and next week about miracles today in our lives. The Kids Club leaders approached me and asked if I could be the example of a modern-day miracle! So next week, I will visit the Kids Clubs each afternoon and share a brief testimony of how God works miracles today. Another YFC volunteer told me that in response to a conversation-prompt question we have at our drop-in centre—“What do you think when you hear the word ‘miracle’?—she thinks of me. Wow. I’m so thankful for God’s healing hand.
This year on February 3, the 4-year anniversary of the accident, we at YFC were scheduled to lead the morning assembly for the whole school in Mochudi. We had a drama prepared but in the morning, less than an hour before we would be on stage, the guy playing the lead role couldn’t make it due to a funeral. So, our back-up plan had been that I would sing one of my guitar songs. Since it was February 3, I shared a bit about the accident with the students and sang “All My Hope,” a song I wrote that sounds like it was written before the accident, but actually I wrote in 2006. Here’s an excerpt:
“All My Hope”
Things in life can change so fast;
The future looks so unlike the past.
In just a moment things can change;
You’re left wondering how to rearrange.
Sometimes it’s hard to just find hope,
Especially when you’re just trying to cope.
When everything is crashing down,
How can you stand when there’s no ground?
Chorus:
But all I know is there is hope in the Rock I cling to
For I know that His love endures all things
Yesterday, and today, and tomorrow the same
All my hope is in the One who doesn’t change
A few Saturdays ago, I shared briefly about the accident and sang the song last year, “Beauty from Ashes,” to about 130 young people at a gathering in Gaborone. In future posts, I’ll share more about that and the other cool stuff God is doing in Gaborone.
Oh! A big prayer request is that for March I’ll be organizing a program each Sunday morning on Yarona FM again, a main national radio station. It’s part of the Month of Youth Against AIDS, and we will be encouraging a lifestyle of abstinence and faithfulness to help curb the spread of HIV. Please pray for all the planning and the actual live programs each Sunday morning. Thanks!
Thanks for reading. I know this was a long one. I thought about splitting it up, but figured I’d just keep it all in one spot. I’ll keep future posts shorter and try to write more often!
Blessings,
Em
